Are You Sewing The Seeds Of Infidelity in Your Relationship?
I sit with stories of infidelity all day long. As a therapist working with relationships, you can be assured that almost every person I see is currently struggling with an infidelity from the past, in the present, or an intuitive feeling that they will one day become the victim or perpetrator of an affair. The small percentage of couples that come to see me before an infidelity have an opportunity to prevent the egregious act by taking a hard look at the relationship. Cracking open the facade of a relationship to see what might be lurking underneath can be scary, butf an affair is scene as a virus in a relationship, then therapy would be the preventative treatment needed to stop an infestation and irrevocable damage.
Finding out about an affair is almost always a shock to the victim, but the reality is that many couples have been sewing the seeds of infidelity for quite some time. Partners come in after an affair and say they “I should have seen it coming†or “how could I have not seen the signsâ€, but they weren’t really looking. No one wants to believe that a partner could or would have an affair, which is one of the biggest mistakes couples make
Presuming that commitment equates with fidelity is a detrimental mistake. Fidelity is born from conscious, loving action in a relationship that allows each partner to feel appreciated, loved, supported and heard.
Everything is clearer with hindsight, but seeing so many cases with couple’s struggling through the aftermath of an affair has trained me to notice the small nuances and simple changes that could have been prevented it from happening.
Here are 7 actions you can take right now to prevent infidelity:
Do more things together
Over and over again research shows that novelty and connection are the keys to a long-lasting relationship. Leading parallel lives is unacceptable and does not make for a good relationship. Even if there aren’t a ton of shared interests, there are always activities, events or outings that can be done. Think of your relationship as a garden that needs new fertilizer to thrive and grow. Add something new and nourishing to keep your relationship fresh and strong.
Force yourself to talk
So many couples are conflict avoidant and don’t want to talk to each other. I’m not speaking of chit chat or “how was your day”. This is real conversations that genuinely show interest and reflect good listening skills. Facing each other, making eye contact, and really showing up strengthens the bond and deepens the connection between you. Not talking is a number one complaint among unhappy couples, and like sex, it’s an essential component of a healthy and thriving relationship.
Be honest about your negative feelings
Deep down you and your partner know that you are far from perfect. There are going to be things that annoy you, turn you off physically and straight up make your skin crawl. Share these grievances with your partner in a loving way to relieve tension and to avoid resentment. It’s not about changing these behaviors or habits, it’s more about taking the elephant out of the room. It’s essential to do this with sensitivity and compassion, it’s not an opportunity for criticism or nagging.
Ask for what you want
Getting needs met in a relationship is one of the hardest achievements. Most couples don’t express their needs or ask for what they want because they are afraid the answer will be no. What they don’t realize is that the wondering and longing is far worse than the rejection. As the saying goes, if you don’t ask you don’t get. Go after what you need, your partner will respect and appreciate your openness. By asking you also give your partner the chance to meet your needs without having to read your mind.
Put the relationship first
Distractions like work and kids are drain a relationship. If your relationship isn’t a priority it will suffer because it’s a living breathing entity. It needs constant attention and nurturance to survive. Expecting your relationship to sustain itself is like expecting a plant to survive without sun or water. Kiss your partner before the kids, or come home early from work with a special surprise. These are small acts, with huge payoffs.
Express gratitude and appreciation
Couples slip into roles in a relationship and over time certain acts become expected and under-recognized. Taking your partner for granted will lead to hurt feelings, and a deep feeling of being unappreciated. These are common complaints from partners who have affairs. Just because you share a bank account doesn’t mean you can’t say thank you for dinner. Even if you believe it’s your partner’s job to replace the light bulbs, show gratitude for a job well done.
Stay sexually active
This seems obvious, but I have seen couples who can’t even remember the last time they had sex. It is not healthy to go too long in a relationship without having some form of sexual intimacy. Lulls are to be expected, but when desire is gone and there is a true lack of interest the issue needs to be addressed. Letting this go on too long or ignoring the problem is a very slippery slope to infidelity.
Dr. Andra Brosh March 20th, 2013
Posted In: Divorce, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Relationships