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I read a recent blog on the Huffington Post entitled “Thirteen Reasons Why Your Marriage May Fail in 2013”. I found the topic sort of depressing even though I see couple’s on the brink of divorce every day. What struck me most however was that the thirteen issues being raised in this article are most often seen with the large percentage of marriages that are ALREADY doomed. As a couples therapist I would like to believe (but don’t) that any marriage can be salvaged from the wreckage that is so often dragged into my office. Instead I believe that the majority of couples that seek therapy do it way too late.
Self-diagnosis is very hard so most problems go on way too long in a marriage leading to a kind of erosion. What starts as dissatisfaction, disappointment and frustration in the relationship turns into resentment, anger and often betrayal. Walls go up, conversations become impossible, and sex stops. Soon the marriage is beyond the point of no return, and like a carton of milk on a grocery store shelf, gets closer and closer to its expiration date.
I am a strong believer in prevention, so I offer you a list of early warning signs that will open your eyes, and alert you to the potential hazards and dangerous road that lays ahead.
Here are thirteen reasons to work on your marriage:
- You find it hard to share your feelings, ideas, dreams or fantasies with your partner.
- You notice there is very little sex in the marriage, but you don’t do anything about it.
- You avoid talking about money because it causes a disagreement or you don’t want to upset your partner.
- You feel that some of the most fun in the relationship is centered around drinking or drugs. If you aren’t drinking there isn’t much between you.
- You lead separate lives most of the time only coming together over routine or obligation.
- You feel lonely in the marriage even when you are together.
- When you try talking to your partner it doesn’t go well so you have resigned to stay quiet.
- The little things that made the relationship special have dwindled down. Neither party really goes out of their way to do something extraordinary for the other.
- You prefer being at work over being home, and don’t look forward to seeing your spouse.
- You either fight and say hurtful things, or argue and storm off with no resolution.
- You sense that your partner is feeling unhappy but you are uncertain about how to bring it up.
- It feels easier to withhold information in the relationship than deal with the confrontation.
- You can’t remember the last time you did something new and fun together.
A marriage or relationship is hard work, and it will dwindle and die if it is not nourished and attended to. Every issue listed above has the potential of being resolved if caught and treated early enough. Don’t neglect what is ultimately the most important and potentially fulfilling aspect of your life.
