I say this because I know you blame yourself for something in your life.

Maybe it’s eating that extra cookie, your marriage ending, your child’s poor grades or not working that extra few hours to meet a deadline for work.

We’ve all been in that place where we beat ourselves up for failing, not quite meeting the mark, giving up or not following through on commitments to ourselves or others.

Aside from the rare occasion that you become a victim and blame others or the world, you most likely spend a good part of your time wondering how you could be more efficient at being you.

I would like to relieve you by saying that efficiency is not a helpful goal when it comes to personal development.

When you’re trying to be better at being yourself (and life) you will often screw up and fail at it.

This is a natural part of improving and growing.

Like a child learning to walk, falling down is simply part of the process.

“Children usually do not blame themselves for getting lost.” – Anna Freud

Unlike a young child however, you have a developed a brain that tells you to expect more of yourself.

There is no right way to live your life or to be you. You’re process and progress as you continually develop as a human being are unique to who you are.

When you hold yourself to some standard beyond your own capability you set yourself up for a vicious cycle of disappointment and self-blame.

Even if you’re functioning and behave at a level well below your potential, blaming yourself won’t help.

Here’s what you can do…

Take responsibility for your actions, contemplate what isn’t working, slather yourself with self-compassion, and continue on.

“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” — James Baldwin

There’s a difference between not feeling like you’re enough, and wanting to be better than you are.

Feeling less than is an issue of self-value and focuses on deficits; wanting to be better is an act of desire and focuses on improvement.

There aren’t too many people that seek personal growth and who have a natural inclination to improve the way they are in the world.

The journey toward introspection and insight into your internal world is always optional.

You never have to work on yourself, and most don’t unless there’s a life-threatening situation forcing it.

A large section of the people you come into contact with in your personal life, and in the general public, will have never felt the benefits of transformation or deep change.

This is partly due to lack of awareness, resources and education, but sadly it’s also due to a lack of desire.

As a result we see people ending relationships, leaving jobs, divorcing partners, and abandoning friendships as a way of trying to improve life externally with the hope of feeling better internally.

This is where you come in.

There will always be a gap between the people who value and see the benefit in personal development, and those who never engage in it at all.

However, if enough people get on the personal growth bandwagon we have a really good shot at closing that gap.

Becoming evolved and working toward resolving the issues that make you reactive, crabby, bitchy, jerky and impatient has immense benefit beyond your own personal betterment.

Every time you figure something out about yourself you’re reducing the chances that you’ll have a negative interaction, fight or conflict with someone else.

This leads to a more peaceful existence for everyone because it only takes one person to change an interpersonal dynamic.

In essence, your ability to walk away, disengage, stay calm and respond thoughtfully to life’s many situations can make the world (and you) better.

The real change happens when you change yourself and become a better version of who you are.

This means digging deep to uncover your darkest human potential, and unearthing the artifacts of your past that block you from living a fulfilling and happy life.

It’s not good enough to feel mediocre and to live in the world avoiding the lurking demons that continually surface when the right bait is dangled.

Unlike accolades like grades, prizes, scholarships, promotions and awards, reaching your personal potential is what will truly shift your life.

This is a bottom up or inside out approach that can only happen with courage and the intention of becoming better.

You don’t have to be the change; you need to change.

Start today.

As children we all held the capacity for imagination.

Growing up has its perks, but as we get older we tend to abandon this part of ourselves in the service of becoming big.

As kids we used our imagination to ponder what could be.

Now as grown ups we use it to wonder what should be.

When my kids were small one of their favorite books was “If” by Sarah Perry. It was my favorite too because it was a book of wonders, and it showed that limitless possibilities are everywhere.

I pulled that book “If” out of the garage the other day where it has lived for the past 15 years.

Each page was a reminder of how my imagination has remained imprisoned by my rational mind, and how little I actually allow myself the opportunity to be ridiculous in my thinking.

I couldn’t help but smile at the silliness of the imaginings in this book.

“If music could be held…”

“If ugly were beautiful…”

“If the moon were square…”

Re-engaging your imagination as an adult is essential.

Without imagination we feel bored, apathetic, uninspired and lonely.

Children use their imagination to transport themselves to another world where they get to be (and do) whatever they want without consequence.

The opportunity to imagine anything isn’t a childhood need; it’s a human necessity.

Without letting our minds take us to places we can never inhabit in the real world we lose the capacity to play and dream.

You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. ~Mark Twain

Do not conflate imagination with fantasy.

Fantasy is an escape from reality, and often a form of denial. According to Sigmund Freud, fantasies are manifestations of our deepest and darkest inner drives, and they often land us in a state of anxiety, stress and fear when they go too far.

Imagination is the human capacity to draw an image in your mind, and then when possible, to turn it into a creation.

Your imagination is sacred, private and personal.

Just watch any child engaged with their imagination, and you’ll immediately feel the sense of freedom and joy it invokes.

When you imagine your future as single, retired or married you conjure up very real images of what it will be.

When you fantasize about these same things you daydream and get lost in the process.

The first is active and purposeful, the latter is passive and often unrealistic when brought into the real world.

Your imagination is tied to your faith, your hope, your creativity and your potential.

Don’t let it slip away. Just imagine IF.

We’re facing a horrendous drought in Los Angeles right now. We have literally drained our resources and now we are depleted and having to ration.

Sometimes we all take our resources for granted. We get used to provisions without questioning how we get them or where they come from.

It’s the same with our food. We rarely reflect on where that head of broccoli originated, how it traveled to get to the store shelf, and all that happened in between that time.

I think we do this on a personal level as well.

We do, accomplish, obtain and get through life without much thought about how it happened.

We rarely consider the source of our pain, success or circumstances. What generative force made them possible? What was the point of their origin?

Our lives don’t just happen even though it often feels like that. We are all driven, motivated and compelled by something; a greater force, an internal power or an external inspiration.

This is also true for feelings.

You don’t just “get mad”; there’s a source for your anger and it can be internal and/or external.

It’s empowering and often relieving to recognize and understand the source of all your life experiences.

The question becomes what is your source? Do you draw on your internal resources or do you tend to look outside of yourself for causes and answers?

Ask yourself…

What is the source of my anger?
What is the source of my strength?
What is the source of my pain?
What is the source of my happiness?

A source can be anything. It can be another person, nature, a pet, but most importantly it can be yourself.

It’s easy to look outside of yourself for the source of what you need or want, but know that you have a well of untapped resources living inside of you that you have collected throughout your life.

You are never empty or depleted even though at times it feels that way. Just as you have to dig into the earth to tap into water you’ll have to dig deep internally to access what you have.

Start by doing three things:

Name your source. It can be you, nature, mother earth, a waterfall or anything that you associate with nourishment and provision.

Draw your source. Get out a piece of paper and draw what that source looks like to you. Don’t worry about being an artist just create an image of what you see as a source of any kind. It might even be a self-portrait.

List three qualities of this source that make it worthy of providing something valuable. It can be overcoming obstacles, the ability to produce or nurture.