(310) 720-4373
If you are not having what you feel is a healthy amount of sex in your relationship, you might be able to blame it on something other than the length of your relationship. Every relationship has it’s ups and downs with sexual intimacy, but when the quality and frequency of sex has sunk below what you consider to be bare minimum standards, there might be something deeper going on. Whether you are the withholding partner or the desiring partner, understanding the role that resentment can play in your sexual activity might give you a new pathway to explore around this issue.
Resentment is one of the most toxic and damaging feelings you could have in a relationship, and it could very well be the reason your sexual intimacy has come to a halt. Resentment is like a virus in a relationship. You can’t see it, but you can certainly feel it, and it can spread if left untreated. If resentment is brewing in you or your partner, it has most likely come from a real or perceived wrongdoing. Resentment can easily build from emotional neglect, overt or covert criticism, judgment, humiliation or a lack of appreciation. If one of you has experienced these painful and debilitating actions from the other, resentment has most likely become your first line of defense.
Your resentments live in the recesses of your mind, and your negative feelings have probably been left unaddressed to avoid conflict, or out of fear of hurting your partner’s feelings. Instead you close your heart, put your vulnerability on lockdown, and bury your needs and desires. What you eventually develop instead are feelings of bitterness, anger, spite and even hatred. All feelings that challenge your ability to be physically intimate, and often result in someone engaging in an infidelity.
Here are 6 signs that you are struggling with feelings of resentment:
You only feel a numbness toward your partner
You don’t care whether your partner comes or goes
You lack any desire to do anything for your partner
You prefer being away rather than together
You feel anger or even hatred toward your partner
You resist sharing any of yourself with your partner
If any of these ring true, it’s time to begin airing your grievances. Couples mistakenly think that keeping the peace in the relationship is easier than confronting the problems, but if the sex is already gone from the relationship than things probably can’t get much worse.
The two main healing actions that can undo and resolve resentment are acceptance and forgiveness.
Accepting that your partner is flawed and has made mistakes, and beginning a process of forgiveness to heal the hurt can be done with the help of a trained professional. Therapy can create a safe space and allow for expression of feelings that might not surface in the day to day dynamics of the relationship. Begin by making a list of your resentments and ask yourself how your relationship would be different if you let these things go? This is the beginning of a new way of experiencing your partner without the heavy burden of resentment. Unlocking any feelings of resentment could open the door to a renewed sense of trust and vulnerability that can ultimately lead to the best sex you’ve ever had.
