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When I hear my clients tell me they have “abandonment issues” it almost always comes with the implication that this self diagnosis is untreatable, and thus a weakness. There is a deep sense of resignation and futility around this self-awareness, coupled with an unconscious experience of shame. They blame their neediness on themselves, their upbringing or past love relationships, and hate themselves for not being more strong and independent. My clients come to me with a self-perception that pegs them as the “damaged” partner taking full responsibility for things being less than perfect in their relationship.
Everyone has had at least one experience of abandonment. It could have been a betrayal of trust, being dumped by a friend or lover, being cheated on, or the death of a loved one. Feelings of abandonment can also come from early trauma when a parent or caregiver fails to provide the proper environment by being emotionally or physically neglectful. These earlier experiences often remain out of consciousness until they are invoked in the present. When feelings of abandonment become triggered within the context of a current love relationship two things might be happening at the same time. An experience from the past is being activated, and/or your partner has done or said something that would truly qualify as abandonment. This mixed bag of abandonment feelings leads to the endless cycle of trying to determine what is your issue, and what is a relational issue.
One of the best ways to solve this dilemma is through a process of elimination. Focusing on yourself, and taking action steps to become aware of your feelings will help you untangle the many strings of abandonment feelings that get generated in relation to your partner.
Here’s how to begin:
Accept your “neediness”
Abandonment is directly related to need and dependency so becoming more needy to bind the anxiety or fear of loss is a natural reaction. Even if this is something you want to change, acknowledging and accepting that your needs are exaggerated because of past experiences will allow you to relate to this part of yourself differently. Judging or hating yourself for feeling this sense of need is not the solution because you cannot will feelings of abandonment away. Be kind and practice a lot of self-compassion for the little person inside of you that struggles with abandonment.
Delay gratification
Clinging and grasping to your partner is also a way to feel in control, and an illusory way to prevent being left. The closer you can be to your lover, the more secure you feel in the relationship. Distance is something you will need to learn to tolerate so you can overcome the anxiety that separateness invokes. Going longer without speaking while apart, and resisting the urge to “check in” for reassurance will help you to develop different kinds of coping mechanisms and the ability to self-soothe when you get anxious.
Talk to your partner
Once you have a better understanding of what you are feeling in the context of the relationship, sharing what you have learned with your partner will be essential. If he or she can respond with compassion and empathy you will be able to ask for what you need in the relationship to feel comfortable and safe. It might be more than what either of you deems “normal”, but acknowledging and accepting will increase intimacy and heal wounds.
Be Mindful
When feelings of neediness and fear of rejection remain out of awareness, blame, criticism and resentment will surface as defenses against the shame you most likely feel. Being mindful of your actions and reactions will allow you to catch yourself in the act of being defensive so you can switch gears. If your needs and desires were not welcomed growing up, you most likely learned to remove them from your consciousness so you will need to dig deep to get back in touch with that those parts of yourself.
Stay present
Feelings of abandonment can show up in the present as if the initial trauma happened yesterday. Space and time becomes irrelevant when painful feelings become invoked leading to reactions that seem out of context and irrational. Grounding yourself in the present moment and remembering that you are not a helpless child, but a grown adult will help you gain control over your feelings. As you make more and more connections to your past experiences of abandonment, this process will become clearer and easier to manage.
It takes two
There is no way to experience abandonment without another. Avoid blaming, and begin to understand that you are only one part of the equation in your relationship. Your feelings of abandonment are a response to your interpersonal interactions with your partner. This relationship may not be the source of the feelings, but the dynamics can definitely create a reaction. By understanding this you and your partner can learn to recognize what author Sue Johnson calls your “tender spots”, and to be mindful of not pushing on them.
Seek therapy
Feelings of abandonment run deep and can be hard to tap into on your own. Individual or couples therapy is extremely helpful in excavating the old wounds that lay buried in your psyche. The therapeutic relationship itself can heal abandonment, and cultivate more positive experiences of dependency and need. Working on building trust between you and your therapist, and your partner, will lay new pathways of positive relating, and an overall sense of safety within the self.
