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I first learned that love isn’t optional when my heart was broken into a million pieces by my husband of 20 years. Up until that point I illusively thought that I had willingly entered into the highly desired status of eternal love. I now realize that I had put myself, and my relationship, on a pedestal so high that when we fell, I cracked open in humpty dumpty style. The un-relenting physiological experience of that breakup proved to me forever that when it comes to matters of the heart, we don’t have much say.
As human beings we fall in and out of love all the time. The very word “fall” can make you wonder whether we love from a place of free will or from internal drives. We don’t choose to fall into a well, or fall out of a moving vehicle. So why then do we pretend that we are in control of why or how we love, and judge ourselves when it isn’t perfect?
My theory is that we are conditioned to believe that we love with our hearts, and we think of love metaphorically instead of scientifically. All you have to do is search Google images for “love” and you will be ensconced in a visual version of what we see in our mind’s eye as love. You will be able to scroll endlessly through the pages of hearts, red roses, wedding rings, and trees inscribed with lover’s names.
Images of a neuron-firing brain, and a diagram of a body in a high state of stress would represent a more accurate depiction of human love.
The feelings that you experience when you fall in and out of love stem from neuro-chemicals in your brain that generate all the symptoms familiar to anyone in the beginning or end of a romantic relationship. Dopamine and Norepinephrine are the hidden motivators that drive your “crazy” behavior and obsessive thinking when you are maneuvering through the limerence or heartbreak of a romantic relationship. I don’t think it’s a fluke that the words “pine” and “Dop” are embodied in these two words.
These neurons spike when you are pursuing a new or lost lover, and become depleted when your efforts are futile. So whether you are in enraptured or ensnarled, your brain will do what it is biologically designed to do…to seek the reward of love, and feel depressed when you don’t get it.
Here are three research-based facts to help you manage love:
The same part of the brain that gets activated with physical pain also lights up with social rejection. This means that your body doesn’t know the difference between when you touch a hot stove or have been dumped by your partner. All you will know is that you are in pain, and it will feel like it will last forever. So next time you tell yourself that you shouldn’t be so upset about a lost love, remember that your brain is signaling your body and you need to listen.
When you first “fall” for a lover your brain also produces a high amount of dopamine, which is connected to reward seeking behavior. This explains the infatuation and obsessive experience that happens in new love with the main goal being reciprocated feelings from the other person. When this goes well the addictive high of love kicks in until the Dopamine wears off, and the relationship falls into a phase of love that many couples refer to as boring. When the romance falters or doesn’t work out, the Dopamine spikes even higher driving the spurned lover to protest and go into a state of high anxiety. Recognizing that much of what you are experiencing is chemically driven will help you manage the behaviors and feelings of love.
Ever feel like you want to kill your partner? Turns out that love and hate are also closely linked in the brain. It is neurologically and physiologically possible to love someone and hate them at the same time. This experience can drive you crazy, and leave you feeling really confused. Know that it’s normal to fluctuate in your feelings when you’re in love, it doesn’t always have to be bliss for it to be good. Loving and hating at the same time is a normal human experience, and everyone feels these divergent feelings for people we love.
