Downtown Los Angeles Therapy and Counseling for Individuals and Couples

When Your Life is Under Construction: 8 Ways to Manage the Work

Posted on February 11, 2014 by Andra

“There are no wrong turns, only unexpected paths.” ~ Mark Nepo

There are times when life is simply coast, and other times where it’s under construction. For those of us who make the personal choice to grow and learn about ourselves throughout the lifespan, we can expect to be in and out of doing work at any given time. Sometimes it’s a personal choice, and at other times we’re bombarded with something that forces us deeper into our inner world.

When you’re passing through a personal work zone the roads get bumpy and the path is unpredictable. It’s hard to know what the end result will be and trying to control the process is futile. Your sensitivity is heightened, your vulnerable to everything, and life feels like one big mess (and so do you).

Read the rest on Purpose Fairy.

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10 Indicators That Your Marital Ship Is Sinking

Posted on February 3, 2014 by Andra

I remember deciding to leave my marriage. After months and months of trying to make it work, I got to a point where I couldn’t stay any longer. It wasn’t my choice to end the marriage, but my partner made it impossible for me to stay. The decision to walk away from something I had been so committed to was torturous because there was a part of me that would not let go of the idea that it could be saved.

I knew the ship was sinking fast, and I tried really hard to scoop out the water, but ultimately I got to a point where I had to jump. With no life raft waiting for me, I chose to plunge into the deep, murky waters of a new life that would be completely different than what I had planned.

People in therapy often ask me how they can know when it’s time to stop trying and give up on saving a marriage. My answer is always the same: There may come a time when you know you can’t stand it any longer. It may coincide with a loss of integrity and a fear of losing yourself in something you intuitively know is not healthy for you. There is no set time frame; it’s different for every person and every unique situation. Read on.

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The Beauty of Being Broken

Posted on January 28, 2014 by Andra

As a therapist, cancer survivor and divorce support counselor I know quite a bit about being broken open.

I was making breakfast the other morning and I decided to have a fried egg. I heated the oil in the pan and cracked the eggshell letting the yellow yolk and surrounding white spread out as it began to sizzle. I looked at the beautiful, bright color of the egg yolk and it reminded me of how so much beauty can come from something after it’s been cracked open.

I cannot think of a more profound metaphor for the many life encounters where we become opened by an experience that exposes the deep beauty of our insides. It’s a common tendency for all of us to associate cracked or broken with damaged goods or a needed repair.

How easy it is to forget that a crack is an opening, and an opportunity to see the inside of something that may never have been exposed before.

If you think of your outer self as the shell to your inner self you will realize how fragile that protection can be. Your heart is like the egg yolk. It sits inside you all soft and mushy waiting for someone to crack you open so it can spill out in a puddle of love like the yolk in the pan.

Then there are the times where your shell gets cracked so unexpectedly and aggressively that your heart breaks as a result of the blunt force trauma you have no choice but to receive.

Regardless of how you get broken open, it’s an opportunity to see what’s inside.

Most of the time we walk gently through the world with a sense of fragility and a fear of being crushed. We avoid anything that might cause the slightest fracture because the idea of living amongst the broken pieces seems intolerable.

The most detrimental result is an internal hardening that comes from a shell that has been left unbroken too long. Just like an egg, the beautiful and tasty inside parts become rotten and toxic.

You’re designed to be broken; to be cracked, and crushed.

You’re protective shell is there to make the pain of everyday life bearable, and you’re not forever damaged when it cracks.

You’re not Humpty Dumpty.

Most of us wait to be broken open by circumstance, but we all have the chance to crack at any time. You have a choice of living inside your protective shell forever, or putting yourself in situations that might crack you open.

And when you do, don’t focus on the broken. Instead look at what is revealed because this is where you will find your unexplored truth, your untapped strength, and your deepest vulnerability.

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Why Life Feels Unfair

Posted on January 21, 2014 by Andra

“All this talk about equality. The only thing people really have in common is that they are all going to die.” – Bob Dylan

Sometimes life seems very unfair until I realize that it’s supposed to be.

How many times have you become indignant about someone else’s behavior or actions? How many times have you felt completely irate over something not going your way?

I’m sure there are countless incidents of unfairness for all of us. Even though we know that the idea of all things being even is completely unrealistic, we somehow still expect that life should pan out like a winning hand of cards each and every time we play.

We’ve all heard it before…Life isn’t fair.

The idea of that sucks because if we can’t count on life being fair then how are we supposed to manage our feelings of jealousy and inferiority?

How can we deal with the very real fact that not everyone will see or do things the way we need them to?

How can we exist in a state of constant differentials where there will always be someone better or worse off?

How do we make sense of the things that happen to us even though we feel they shouldn’t?

The answer to these questions is quite simple.

Focus on equality not fairness.

“Before God we are all equally wise – and equally foolish.” – Albert Einstein

You and I are equal, but that doesn’t mean things between us will be even or fair. It might feel unfair to me that your ability to make more money affords you the luxury of a business class seat on an airplane, but if I remember that we both want to land safely at the destination then I’m choosing to focus on equality.

I am you, and you are I.

We are fundamentally the same because we are both human.

Both of us have hearts, feel pain, and need air to breathe, but we forget this when we take a zero-sum worldview where more for you equates with less for me. Seeing the world through a lens of equality promotes compassion, generosity, collaboration and hope.

Seeing the world as being fair or unfair is founded in a black and white perspective where someone is always losing out.

If you feel you deserve more, or believe you’re entitled to some particular outcome because of who you are or what you’ve done then you are sure to experience life as unfair.

Your Prescription:

Move from comparing to gratitude.

See other people’s success as your own.

Be unique but not separate.

Focus on abundance not scarcity.

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What’s Your Story? Let Me Tell You Mine

Posted on January 21, 2014 by Andra

I truly believe in the power of story.

Sharing your experience, your knowledge, and your wisdom is an act of selflessness even though it might sometimes feel self-promoting or egotistical. There’s one main difference between bragging and sharing.

Bragging is driven by a feeling of inadequacy and a need to prove one’s worth. The desire to share comes from a longing to connect, and it usually coincides with vulnerability.

What and how much you choose to share at any given moment is up to you. Feeling over-exposed is a good sign you’re sharing too much, and a sense of exclusion is almost always an indicator that you probably need to open up more.

When you share your thoughts, ideas, feelings and life with others you are making a decision to be seen. You may feel more comfortable remaining invisible or blending in with a crowd, but the truth is that others see you whether you like it or not.

Your physical presence needs to be aligned with your metaphysical presence.

There is no escaping this so why not have your inward and outward beauty align?

Since I’ve been writing these blogs I’ve noticed that the greatest response I get from you comes after I share something personal. Your feedback has consistently been founded in gratitude for what I expose and allow you to know.

I do this as much for me as I do for you. It’s an ongoing practice, and I can assure you that it becomes easier once you realize the profound impact you can have on others and the world with just a small bit of openness.

I had the great privilege of sharing my thoughts, wisdom and feelings with one of the most authentic, noble, graceful and genuine people I have ever met.

My friend and fellow paradigm buster Deb Ozarko graciously offered to have me on her Podcast show “Unplugged” where we talked about so many topics close to my heart.

Among other things we discussed:
• How self-judgement and expectations block the connection to your authentic self.
• The importance of loving it all and realizing the beauty within imperfection.
• How people-pleasing takes you away from your core.
• How internal trust is the key to living an authentic life.
• The problem with advice and the power of embracing uncertainty.
• The dangers of social media that can bring up worthiness issues.
• The importance of knowing who you truly are in order to live your best life.

Click here to listen.

I hope you will take time to have a listen, to be inspired, and to hear how one conversation can ultimately impact the world.

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Getting Through the New Year’s Blues

Posted on January 7, 2014 by Andra

This morning on the news I heard a report that the first Monday after the New Year is the most depressing day of the entire year. Considering most of us should already have our New Year intentions in place, and be well on our way to becoming the best version of ourselves, I was a little surprised to hear this…NOT.

You may or may not know this about me, but I have a tendency to intentionally take myself to darker places with the goal of shedding some light on things. For example, on my way out on New Year’s Eve I asked myself,

“What if I knew this was going to be my last New Year’s ever?”

I thought about whether I would be going where I was headed, or if I would have chosen to do something different. I wondered if I would want to be out of the country, or home cuddled in front of the fire.

I play this little game with myself quite often because it allows me to feel grounded in the choices I’m making, and it’s a reminder to always be living from a truly authentic place. When I’m unsure or uncertain I come back to this place of limited time to find my footing, and to gain perspective.

There’s a girl I follow on Facebook who has created a whole business and brand around this very idea. It’s called “6 Months To Live”, and she offers advice on how to make choices and live life from this frame of mind. For her it’s about living fully and doing whatever it is that makes you happy before it’s too late.

As we find ourselves filled with grumpiness and lethargy after the holiday, let’s try shifting the idea of time to ease some of the suffering.

The concept of time contradicts the fact that it flows seamlessly throughout our lives. There is no beginning or end to time, we just use it to provide structure and sanity so we don’t become overwhelmed.

January 1, 2014 was just another day that held a unique meaning to every person. It was a day that my good friend began a long journey toward surviving cancer. It was a day where a kid had to show up to work on a holiday. It was a day where someone died, and a day where someone was born.

For my mom who suffers from Alzheimer’s, January 1, 2014 not only passed without notice, it isn’t even a memory.

So when I hear about a mass depression around the adjustment to 2014, I have to presume that it’s more about the anticlimactic experience of going from the anticipation of big change to the reality of what we call “everyday life”.

Here’s what I recommend…

Find solace in the fact that you are always changing, growing, and transforming whether you try to or not. You woke up different on January 1st because you are human, not because you said you would.

You can also remember that real long-term change takes time, and it cannot be forced. You have evolved over your entire lifespan to be exactly who you are right now. If you want to be better, different or more then just stay where you are because it’s already happening.

Let life unfold around you.

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Want to Hear the Truth? Just Listen to Your Soul

Posted on January 2, 2014 by Andra

Most of us live in a state of constant conflict because the head and the heart don’t always agree. This can happen through the process of grieving or with any big transition where we are faced with making a decision.

Generally speaking, thinking too much is a problem, and that when you can come from your heart it’s a much more pleasant existence. However, your heart can also steer you in the wrong direction leaving you with illogical ideas, and motivated by feelings that don’t serve you.

The conflict between head and heart is ongoing, but much of the distress comes from not listening to the soul. The soul speaks loudly when we allow it to have a voice. Most of the time it’s blocked by the head and the heart along with all of the internal voices we carry with us.

Many of those voices are not our own, and they are based on stories we have developed about ourselves through life. The voices say things like, “Maybe you’re just too needy” or “If I was just a little prettier” or “I wish someone would just appreciate all the things I do”. These stories and self-perceptions go on and on and never end until we can get beneath them to the truth of who we are. Getting to the truth shouldn’t be hard, but it is when we have been telling ourselves little and big lies our whole lives.

The biggest problem however is that we never sit quietly enough to allow the soul to speak. The soul is often a small whisper that cannot be heard when the din of our voices overpowers what it has to say.

Your soul is the deepest part of your being that knows exactly who you are and what you need to be doing. It lives in the recesses, and can only be accessed when you are ready to hear what it has to say. Your soul isn’t your mind, it isn’t your heart, it isn’t your parent’s voice, and it isn’t something outside of yourself telling you what to do. It’s the essence of you, the part of you that was born to be who you are, the part of you that doesn’t need to change, the part of you that is 100% authentically you.

The journey to uncovering the truth that comes from your soul doesn’t happen in a day, a week, or even 10 years. It’s an ongoing conversation that will happen on and off for the rest of your life. Your soul is your trusted friend. Always available when you are ready to listen, and it will never lie to you. You may not like what it has to say, and you will probably fight it until you can accept the communication but that’s okay. There are no rules here. Just opportunity to grow and learn from the wisest voice available to you.

It’s your private conversation with something greater, something bigger, and more profound than anything you will encounter in your daily life. So when you feel conflicted, and you don’t know who to turn to for advice, I encourage you to sit quietly with your eyes closed. Put your hand on your heart and allow yourself to be still just for a few minutes. Once the chatter in your head subsides begin to listen to your soul. It might be a tiny sound that is almost indiscernible or it might speak to you very loudly and clearly. Your only job is to be open to listening and learning from this part of yourself.

Don’t try and define what you’re doing here. It’s not a project or a tangible idea. It’s a practice, an exploration, and a journey inward. Your soul houses an accumulated amount of knowledge pulled from the universe specifically for you. No one has planted it there. You have unknowingly drawn it in your self and tucked it away until now. It’s been a little secret you didn’t even know about.

Now that you are ready to open it up, you will not believe what will come out. You will uncover aspects and parts of yourself that you never knew existed, and that will change you forever.

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How to be Smart AND Wise

Posted on December 10, 2013 by Andra

I had a conversation the other night about the passing of Nelson Mandela.

The gentleman I was speaking with kept referring to this great leader as being “smart” and politically savvy. He went on to suggest that Mandela “knew how to manipulate people” in a way that “good leaders can”.

I had an immediate reaction to the use of the word “smart”. Not because I don’t think Nelson Mandela was a very smart man, but because it’s way too simple of a word to describe the magnitude of what he contributed.

Nelson Mandela was not only smart; he was wise.

Wisdom and intelligence are certainly intertwined, but they’re also quite distinct. Intelligence is the ability to acquire and apply knowledge, while wisdom is a quality of having experience, knowledge and good judgment.

Intelligence is about ability, while wisdom is a quality.

Wisdom is earned not achieved, and it comes from experience not the mind.

Nelson Mandela is a perfect example of this. He learned from hardship, connected to humanity from his heart, and led from a place of deep consciousness and experience. His greatest contributions did not come from a high IQ, they stemmed from his willingness to let go of righteousness for the greater good of humanity.

What we saw in Nelson Mandela was the good we all want to see in ourselves and each other.

As a society we are drawn to wisdom and the people who share it because it inspires and instills hope. In dark times wisdom can offer a beam of light by providing a perspective that would have otherwise remained unknown.

Wisdom connects us through shared experience where we feel less alone and alienated from each other and ourselves.

The most important thing to remember about wisdom (and how to garner some) is that it cannot come from experience alone. We all have experiences every day, but unless we reflect on them, make sense of them, and grow from those experiences, we won’t be able to generate the wisdom available.

Wisdom is digested experience.

Wisdom is a recipe where you take whatever it is that you have experienced, mix it up with what you already know, and and then bake it until it’s ready to serve.

As you continue to close out this year, take a moment to reflect on these three quotes by Nelson Mandela and apply them to your own life.

“People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”

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The Three R’s You Need To Know About

Posted on December 5, 2013 by Andra

“Necessity of action takes away the fear of the act, and makes bold resolution the favorite of fortune.” – Francis Quarles

The countdown to January 2014 is on, and this is such a powerful month for so many reasons. The winter, and December in particular, can bring on feelings of overwhelm, confusion, and uncertainty.

The colder weather and time change force us inside both figuratively and literally, making it hard to escape many of the realities we try to avoid throughout the year.

However, December can also be a month of deep reflection, and it’s historically been a time where life can be re-assessed.

My end of the year practice for closing out 2013 is founded on what I call the three R’s:

Do Resolve
(settle or find a solution to)

Become Resolute
(admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering)

Find Resolution
(a firm decision to do or not to do something)

The first step is to resolve anything that doesn’t serve you from 2013. Most of us have leftover baggage that weighs us down, but we often don’t even realize we’re carrying it. Overtime we adapt to how we feel, and forget to assess the contents of what we’re dragging around. Take a good, hard look at your life and pick at least three issues or feelings that you will not need in the coming year.

The next step is to become resolute about what you want to resolve. You probably say you’re going to do things all the time, but find that you let them slip through the cracks. This step of becoming resolute is the very reason most resolutions are not successfully fulfilled after the new year. Write the issues you want to resolve on a piece of paper and keep it close by. Meditate on them, hire someone to help you resolve them, and really devote the time necessary to fully engage with what you want to work on letting go of.

Lastly you will want to make your resolutions. These can stem from the very things you have chosen to resolve or they can be new resolutions that you want to put into practice for 2014. If you are resolving left-over resentment for being treated badly by a friend, than perhaps your resolution will be to take better care of yourself next year. Or, picking something entirely unrelated can give you a nice, fresh start. Perhaps you want to start a daily gratitude practice or try something you’ve never done every month.

Give yourself the gift of freedom by choosing to let go of what doesn’t serve you, and re-commit to yourself and you’re own personal healing.

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Three Tenets to Seeking Your Truth

Posted on November 26, 2013 by Andra

The holidays are upon us, and as always it opens the door for a great amount of self-reflection. The end of the year brings many thoughts and feelings, but most often it invokes inquiry about where we are in the context of our lives.

To uncover where I was this time last year, I went back and re-read the newsletter I sent to you in November of 2012. I had just returned from a trip to Morocco, which was my first international trip alone. After reading it I realized that my message, intention, desire, and authenticity remain the same today…

To feel connected to humanity, and the world.

Click here to read my 2012 Thanksgiving blog.

There must be something about the month of November for me, because I engaged in another life altering experience this month that reaffirmed my most noble truth.

I experienced my first sweat lodge in the beautiful setting of Ojai, with a large group of people (many of whom I had never met).

The personal lessons were way too numerous to cover in one post, but the biggest takeaway was this…

Fear is an illusion that blocks the truth of who you are, and it prevents you from trusting the will and strength inherent in your human nature.

My fear of being stuck in an intensely hot, small man made structure without any ventilation almost stopped me from having one of the most profoundly transforming 90 minutes of my life.

Think about all of the things you have not or would not do because of your fear.

“It is the receptivity of our heart and the passivity of our mind, it is the eagerness, the thirst and hunger after truth, it is the direction of our whole life to that Ideal from who all light and truth come, that alone can bring us truth and knowledge.” – Hazrat Inayat Khan

Have you missed out on deep love? Sharing your story with the world? Going on a date? Making amends with that old friend? Swimming in the ocean? Starting that business? Writing that blog? Applying for that job? Staying in a dead relationship?

Seeking the truth of the self, and living from a place of courage, has been at the core of any spiritual quest for centuries because the wise know that life is too precious to waste on worry and skepticism.

None of us were put on this earth to hide, and to feel afraid of living.

I recognize that finding opportunities in daily life that create a safe enough space to get to the piping hot core of your being are rare, and that not everyone can or will participate in a sweat lodge to get there.

However, I want to offer you three tenets to live by over the next week that will profoundly shift your experience of yourself and the way you live in the world.

ONE: Realize that you are not separate from anyone or anything in your life. This means that you are never alone, and that any pretense you hold about being better, worse or different is an illusion of your mind that creates a sense of isolation and suffering.

TWO: Practice humility on a daily basis by staying close to the elements that keep you alive. The air, plants, ocean, and all living things make it possible for you to exist and live the life you so cherish. Humility is a direct path to the heart, and living from your heart opens the door to your truth.

THREE: Live from your heart whenever possible. This means disconnecting from your ego, and plugging into the truth of any situation. A sense of reality can be tricky when you live solely in your head, but the heart will provide a deeper knowing that you can trust if you allow it to speak.

Of course all of this is a “practice” that takes an ongoing commitment and a deep desire to transform. I encourage you to try these on for size, see how it feels, and use them to start or continue your own journey through fear.

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