Downtown Los Angeles Therapy and Counseling for Individuals and Couples

Posted on December 15, 2014 by Andra

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. – Carl Jung

I don’t need to tell you how powerful the Heart Chakra is because if you’ve ever loved someone or had your heart broken you already know.

I’m also not going to write a long essay about how you need to love yourself or love unconditionally because you’ve read it before, and you know that most of the time your intention in these areas is greater than results.

Here’s what I will tell you about the Heart Chakra.

Don’t ignore it because like a flower it will not survive without proper attention and care.

Everything in your life that you cherish and love passionately is connected to this chakra so live in a way that keeps it open.

When you become frustrated and angry with others let this chakra take over and remind you about what really matters.

When your Heart Chakra is cut off or blocked it restricts the natural flow of your system and you become less whole.

Wholeness is the key to wellbeing, and your Heart Chakra is the key to your wholeness.

Ask yourself these questions:

What can I let go of right now that will open up space in my heart?

What relationships in my life need healing?

What do I need to forgive in the past or present so I can heal? Who needs forgiving from me?

How are my emotional wounds taking over how I think, feel and act?_

With who and in what situations do I close my heart and where do I keep it open in my life?

Many issues of love, grief, hatred, anger, jealousy, fears of betrayal, of loneliness, as well as the ability to heal ourselves and others are centered in the fourth chakra.

This energy is available in any moment, if we turn our attention to it and use it to free us from our limits and fears.

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How to Love Wholeheartedly

Posted on November 20, 2014 by Andra

Love is the most talked about word in the English language. No unlike happiness, everyone wants a piece of love in some shape or form.

I’m sure you can remember the last time you felt lost and destitute without love in your life. You felt untethered and alone because without love you feel separate and lack a sense of belonging to something greater.

Love allows you to feel connected, hopeful, and inspired. Whether it’s positive or negative, when you have love in your life you are alive and maintain a sense of purpose.

To feel unloved (or unlovable) is the most profound existential crisis you could have.

So how do we ensure that we are never without love? The only way to sustain love in your world is to embody it. This is more than self-love; it’s developing what I call Wholesome Love.

Wholesome love is limitless, transparent, unconditional and pure. This form of love is inherent in every human being from the moment of birth. It’s not something you learn or earn; it’s an organic part of being human. It’s always with you even when you defend against it or don’t feel it from other people.

It’s fairly inevitable that you have been hurt at some point in your life. Whether that hurt was intentional or you were the casualty of someone else’s cruelty, you learned that love can be dangerous and painful. Over the course of your life your natural Wholesome Love transformed into “Contingent Love”.

Contingent Love and Wholesome love can appear the same on the surface, but when defined more specifically you can see how different they really are.

Contingent Love:

Expecting something in return for the love you express.

Withdrawing love when you don’t get what you want.

Expecting an equal exchange of love like it’s a commodity.

Only showing love to those who “deserve it”.

Shutting down when love hurts.

Defending against the non-loving feelings of others.

Loving from your Ego.

Using love as a form of power.

Wholehearted Love

Remaining open to love in the face of adversity.

Seeing everyone as deserving of love.

Feeling love toward all living beings.

Giving love freely without a vested interest in a return.

Loving yourself so you can love others.

Recognizing that you don’t have to “like” to “love”.

Focusing on giving love instead of receiving love.

Bringing the intention of love into every situation.

Practicing Wholehearted Love is not easy particularly when you have been habitually hurt, and trained to believe that love is something to acquire from the outside. As you learn to view love as a flowing energy you will realize that all you have to do is get out of your own way to let it unfold.

Realizing that love begins within, and that it’s abundance is available to everyone regardless of history and story, will shift you into a Wholehearted relationship with love.

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Why You Need to be Seen

Posted on November 18, 2014 by Andra

I truly believe that what we all want is to be seen.

The desire starts when your small and never really subsides. The jumping up and down part of you that screams “look at me! Look at me!” longs to be noticed, considered, valued and observed.

You know from experience that there is no worse feeling in the world than not being seen by others. It leaves you feeling empty and lonely.

Sitting in a group of people where no one asks you a question, being ignored by the wait staff at a restaurant, or even getting cut off in traffic can invoke negative feelings stemming from being unseen.

Feeling seen by others is not only an essential developmental process that happens throughout the earliest years of life. It’s how we feel loved and appreciated in our adult relationships as well. It’s also how we develop self-esteem, a healthy sense of ego, and the knowledge that we matter.

On the most primitive level feeling seen equates with feeling like you exist. A new baby only knows it’s existence through the reflection in the caregivers eyes.

The desire to be seen and observed is not narcissistic or self indulgent when it comes from an organic human need, and not a desperate attempt at attention.

The kind of being seen I’m talking about is that feeling you get when you are deeply known by another human being. Not a knowing that comes from information, but a knowing that is founded in the fundamental respect we hope to hold for each unique person.

If you live amongst people who don’t see you by acknowledging your strengths, your beauty, your uniqueness, and your feelings than you will most certainly depreciate over time like a bad investment.

And if you are uncomfortable being seen than you need to explore why you prefer to stay in the shadows instead of basking in this healthy limelight.

You need nourishment through verbal and non verbal recognition because it’s fundamental to your very existence.

Try a simple exercise. Spend some time looking in the mirror. Don’t just look at your reflection, look deep into your own eyes. Truly take the time to see yourself and take notice.

Then practice doing this with other people. Look into their eyes without glancing away. Don’t pierce them, just really ensure that they feel seen.

Most people won’t be able to tolerate this kind of attention and focus because it’s so unusual and unnatural in our culture.

What you ultimately want to remember is that seeing is believing, and believing in yourself comes from being seen.

Posted in Love, mindfulness, relationships, therapy, wellbeing | Leave a comment

Letting go of Great Expectations

Posted on November 8, 2014 by Andra

“If you expect nothing from anybody you’re never disappointed.” – Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

One of the biggest life suckers and causes of dissatisfaction is the ongoing practice of expectation.

There are many types of expectation so we have to distinguish between them to determine which to relinquish and which serve a purpose.

The harsh truth is that there are basically two things you can expect…death and uncertainty. All other expectation is directly linked to hope and belief.

Of course there are certain things that you need to expect to maintain your peace of mind. You need to expect that the sun will rise, your partner will remain faithful, your children are safe, and that you’ll have a job when you show up at your desk on Monday morning.

While you can’t guarantee these expectations will be fulfilled, it’s reasonable to remain hopeful that they will.

There are also more subtle expectations that you deserve to hold because you’re a human being with feelings. You can maintain the expectation that you’ll be treated as a person with value, to not be intentionally hurt, and to have your voice heard when you speak.

Again, these are reasonable expectations that are based more in hope than certainty because you cannot control much outside of yourself.

Disappointments around failed expectations usually arise when those expectations are too high or beyond the capacity of the person you’re looking toward to fulfill them.

There is no doubt that people and life will let you down. This is a variable of being alive that cannot be avoided. Knowing that disappointment is a natural part of being human will allow you to modulate and moderate your expectations while reducing unnecessary suffering.

For example, expecting to get straight A’s all through school or maintaining the same weight from cradle to grave are what I call aspiring expectations. You can set an intention to achieve these goals, but it’s unfair to call yourself a failure if you don’t fulfill these somewhat unrealistic expectations of yourself.

Expectation in relationship is also a common issue. Expecting your partner to read your mind is fairly unreasonable and will ultimately leave you disappointed. In the same way, expecting him or her to be more emotionally available when they can’t access their own emotions is a hopeful aspiration but will probably remain unfulfilled.

Expectation is also a form of bankruptcy because it robs you of the ability to be grateful. If you expect certain things then you would find it impossible to feel grateful when they’re fulfilled. How can you be grateful for something you expected to happen?

Reducing expectations is not the same as settling, and it’s not giving up hope. Getting clear about what you should and could expect from different people and areas of your life is a clear step toward contentment.

When you practice letting go of expectation you’ll begin to live in reality, which will in turn allow you to feel more fulfilled, and to make more accurate choices about how you want to live.

This isn’t about expecting less, it’s about embracing more.

Consume what you have, and see what it feels like to make that enough.

“Enough” is a concept we can all use more of.

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How to Choose Life

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Andra

“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” – J.K.Rowling

Choices, choices. There are so many to be made on a daily basis. Some are fairly benign like what to have for dinner, how much to tip the waiter, which shirt to buy, or what movie to watch.

Then there are the bigger, more consequential choices. The one’s that could take days, weeks or even months to make. Whether to leave a relationship, buy or rent a house, or deciding whether to have children make picking a move theater seat seem easy.

I have also seen many choices made unconsciously. I categorize these choices as the ones that usually come with explanations like “I didn’t realize” or “I don’t know how it happened”.

These choices don’t seem like choices at the time, but they have consequences just the same. An infidelity, a drunken night, speeding, and eating a whole box of cookies may be regrettable acts, but they are choices just the same.

Some people make choices more easily than others, and some choices are simply harder to make.

Choice lives very closely with ambivalence, which is ultimately a state of indecision. This window of time between choosing and deciding can be short or eternal depending on a couple of factors.

1. Your tolerance for risk
2. Your tolerance for making mistakes

Whenever you’re presented with a choice you will ultimately have a consequence. Sometimes a good one, and often a bad one.

Realizing that you make small choices every day will give you the courage to make the bigger ones. Understanding that any choice you make will bring you to resolution will allow you to move through the process more easily.

Learning to accept you can’t avoid the consequences that come with choice, and understanding that a lack of choice is worse than any outcome you could have should propel you through the ambivalence of indecision.

Being conscious of the fact that everything you do involves choice even if it doesn’t seem like it will help you deal with challenging situations.

When you feel stuck or trapped and don’t know what to do remind yourself that you have a choice. It may not be one you want to make, and you may not like the consequence, but it’s still your choice.

Choice is power and it offers freedom.

Be grateful for your ability to make choices and make them wisely…and if you don’t, let your wrong choices teach you.

And don’t forget the biggest one you make every day.

The choice to live.

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How to Successfully Fail

Posted on October 14, 2014 by Andra

“It’s fine to celebrate success but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure.” – Bill Gates

Being perfect is overrated, and ultimately impossible.

No matter how hard you try to do things just right or in a way that’s construed as acceptable there are always going to be moments of failure.

It’s not your fault because society has taught you to pursue ultimate success and avoid failure. Doing things well is ultimately what gets rewarded.

If you’re perfect you’ll be accepted, honored, praised and even loved. If you make mistakes or fail at a task you’re very often scolded, judged, pitied or shamed.

Success in our society is tied to getting to the top, and proudly standing above the competition. The drive to succeed (or win) comes from many forms of inspiration and pursuable goals, but what almost always lurks beneath the surface is the intense avoidance of failure…and for good reason.

What if we were rewarded for failing? What would it be like if we lived in a world that valued the mistakes and mess ups as much as the accomplishments and achievements? Would we all be less motivated, or less stressed?

I will admit that I have had a lifetime filled with failures and mistakes in spite of my pursuit of perfection. No matter how hard I try to do things “right”, I continue to experience small and big failures because they’re unavoidable.

Getting things wrong, losing, screwing up and failing are all seen as negatives, but they are actually moments of true success that should be rewarded and encouraged.

Every time you experience a small failure or setback you’re given the opportunity to come back even stronger. You’ve been given knowledge and information that doing it perfectly would not offer.

I truly believe that there’s a direct correlation between failing and succeeding with the the ladder being dependent on the first. The more we can allow ourselves to fail, the more successful we’ll be.

If failing and making mistakes were rewarded there would be no risk in trying, putting yourself out there, or taking on challenges that might not have the desired results.

If you didn’t have to worry about being perfect and doing everything well than you would feel more free to explore and challenge your limits making the experience more important than the outcome.

If a fear of failure has been holding you back, or if perfectionism is your ultimate goal, take time to reframe failure as success.

Instead of beating yourself up for getting something wrong, ask what you can learn from the experience. You can only fail yourself by not honoring your imperfections and your natural human capacity to make mistakes.

Failure is defined in the dictionary as falling short, not completing a task, or the inability to perform.

It’s never defined in terms of character, and it’s not defined in the context of being a good or bad person.

To fail is to be human, and to be human is unavoidable so set an intention to accept this fact and see how it changes your experience of yourself and your present life.

Posted in Divorce, relationships, Tips, wellbeing | Leave a comment

Dealing With Life’s Sold Out Moments

Posted on October 7, 2014 by Andra

“Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.” – Frank Zappa

I have always tried to see life as a journey. There have been times in my life where I’ve been pulled to view my passage here on earth as a means to an end, but when I choose to keep a pilgrimage perspective I find that I’m less disappointed (or even crushed) when things don’t go as planned.

Most of us walk through the world with the presumption that we will get where we intend to go, but more often than not the path you choose takes a sharp turn or presents you with a fork in the road.

These sliding door moments are pivotal, and present an opportunity for transformation. They may feel like road blocks or dead ends, but these are the most precious points in time where change is imminent.

Bumping up against a harsh reality that doesn’t deliver your wildest dreams offers endless lessons about life, uncertainty, promises, expectation and hope.

It will either devastate you or teach you.

The choice is yours.

The most important thing you can do right now is honor and accept that you will be detoured or derailed at some point in your life.

Maintaining an illusion of certainty, and an expectation that your life will deliver what you order makes it harder to bounce back from the let downs.

View these times in your life as a change of course. Remaining adaptive and flexible will allow you to bend in any direction without breaking.

I’m not suggesting that you give up hope or that you shouldn’t trust in the future.

There’s a grave difference between blindly believing that the path you choose will take you to the predicted end, and treading lightly with the knowledge that each step you take is into the unknown.

So next time you walk up to a window in your life that says “sold out” let yourself be shocked, but not surprised because nothing in life is for sure, even if you think it should be.

Posted in Divorce, infidelity, Love, My Experience, Tips, Uncategorized, wellbeing | Leave a comment

The Practice of Mindfulness

Posted on October 6, 2014 by Andra

Sometimes I feel like I’ve had it up to hear with mindfulness, since it’s become the new buzz word in the arena of personal growth. When something is pushed so hard in my field I tend to get disinterested, and start looking for another way to think about the concept.

Mindfulness is not necessarily a quality, it’s a state of being and a practice. We all aspire to be mindful, but it’s unrealistic to expect anyone to be this way all the time.

Sometimes we can feel discouraged or bad because we aspire to master something that isn’t meant to be mastered. If we were all perfectly mindful we wouldn’t need to learn how to do this.

Mindfulness is a tool and it can be particularly helpful in times of high anxiety, life transition, heartbreak, and when things become frenetic.

Mindfulness is an essential practice for a million reasons. It reduces stress, allows you to be more productive, and it can make life a lot more manageable.

If you think about all the times you’re not being mindful you’ll realize how much you don’t take in, and maybe don’t even notice.

How many times have you been with someone while they’re talking only to realize you’ve completely not heard what they’ve been saying? Or how many times have your kids tried telling you something while you’re focused on something else? Or how about those times when you drive somewhere and you can’t remember how you got to your destination?

These are hijacking moments in time where you’re robbed of being present with your experience by your brain.

What would happen if you really focused, got present, and truly paid attention in the moment? No only would you feel more connected, but the people in your life would benefit to.

Mindfulness is simply being present in the moment without distraction and without being pulled to the past or present. It’s as simple as that. What it does require (like all the other practices) is a commitment and intention.

Here’s a three step process to practicing mindfulness:

1. Name what you’re doing. If you’re driving, say “I’m driving”. If you’re doing dishes, say “I’m doing dishes.” This will help you get focused on the task at hand by putting what your doing in the forefront of your mind.

2. Set an intention right before you’re action. If you’re about to meet a friend for lunch set an intention that you’ll be present and mindful. If you’re walking into the house from work, set an intention that you’ll be present with your children and partner.

3. Bring it back to the present when you get pulled away. Your thoughts are going to get the better of you, so gently say “there I go again” and bring your focus back to the moment.

This is a simple concept but a hard practice so be gentle with yourself. We all have to work on this daily, but you’ll find that it provides immediate results and it will deepen your connection with yourself and everyone around you.

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Finding Freedom With Forgiveness

Posted on September 24, 2014 by Andra

Forgiveness is one of the most conflicting issues when it comes to personal growth and living a peaceful life. This is mainly due to the various interpretations and meanings we all have with regard to forgiveness, most of which we inherit from others and the world.

Conceptually forgiveness is complicated, and it can feel completely insane when you’ve been injured by another person.

This quote sums up what we are trying to accomplish with forgiveness.

“Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.” ~Jean-Paul Sartre

Forgiveness is about making peace with the people and situations in your life that keep you imprisoned when you can’t let go of the hate, resentment, bitterness, and anger.

Forgiveness is not about condoning hurtful acts or behaviors, and it’s not about forgetting.

Forgiveness is a commitment you make to yourself to not carry any negative thoughts or feelings beyond their purpose for understanding and healing.

Forgiveness does not need to be savored for the most heinous acts either. It can be practiced daily with even the smallest errors.

You might need to practice self-forgiveness as much as forgiving others because most of us are way harder on ourselves than anyone else.

There are 3 basic steps to practicing forgiveness:

Acknowledge that you need to forgive someone or to be more forgiving in general.
The first step with any kind of transformation or recovery is admitting that you need to improve or change. People are so quick to say “I’ll never forgive”, but not forgiving takes as much (or more) energy than being forgiving. Forgiveness is not a capacity, it’s a choice. Make that choice today.

Commit to being a forgiving person by choosing that as your path.
Just owning this will shift your self-perception, and ultimately how you relate to others. Literally walk around saying “I’m a forgiving person” to yourself. Any nasty person or situation can pull us away from our own values, so you have to dig your heels into the sand of forgiveness to stay true to who you are.

Educate yourself about forgiveness.
There are no real hard and fast rules about forgiveness, but we have lots of research on the subject. Challenge your beliefs and what you think you know, and supplement it with a more expansive definition of what it means to forgive. Taking something as important as this at face value is dangerous, and limiting. Start by clicking [here](http://learningtoforgive.com/).

This is the beginning of a forgiveness practice. It will be an ongoing struggle as issues and people will test your ability daily.

Just come back to your core values of forgiveness, and know that this higher road elevates your quality of life, and your capacity for deep love.

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How to Push Pause

Posted on September 1, 2014 by Andra

If you have children, or have ever spent any time around little kids you’ll know what I mean by primitive behavior. Primitive behavior is your most fundamental and reptilian way of acting particularly within the context of upsetting situations.

When a child bites a playmate after having a toy snatched away, or screams and writhes on the floor when the TV gets turned off they’re exposing their lack of reflection, and their inability to regulate strong emotions

All very normal for a young child, but sometimes as adults we don’t outgrow this kind of trigger-reaction behavior.

Being responsive instead of reactive is a capacity not a personality trait so no one is incapable of improving in this arena.

The capacity to slow the mind and body down in the face of an upsetting situation comes with human evolvement and development.

In other words, children are excused but as an adult you have the ability to do better.

Reacting defensively, retaliating, quick trigger anger, and tantrum behavior are all primitive ways of dealing with strong emotions that should have evolved into reflective responsiveness by adulthood.

So your practice this week is Pushing Pause.

The goal is to activate the reflective capacity wired into your Prefrontal Cortex that allows you to slow down before reacting.

Here’s how you practice pushing pause:

Breathe when you’re triggered or upset. Your breath will organically slow you down for your reflective capacity to come on line.

Sleep on any big issues before responding. Your first inclination is usually unproductive so taking the time to let it “marinate” is a good step toward this kind of growth.

Walk away if you can’t control yourself. Sometimes responding in a heated situation is impossible so it’s always better to take a break so you can approach it from a different angle.

Notice the triggers when you feel yourself getting activated. We all have buttons that get pushed and becoming aware of these trigger points will help you to be more prepared when they happen.

Practice this in person with people, and also with texting and emailing.

When you find that your blood is boiling, or you feel that adrenaline rush in your body, push pause and give yourself the opportunity to respond reflectively.

Not easy work, but definitely life changing.

Posted in communication, Divorce, Love, mindfulness, relationships, wellbeing | Leave a comment